I was a little girl and I came home  to see my dad sitting on the steps staring at me with curious eyes. “What’s the matter for you?!” (yes, he said it just like I wrote it)

“Gretchen won’t let me ride her bike anymore.” I said trying not to cry.

I had my own bike.  It sat high, it was shiny and bright pink with rainbow ribbons flowing out of the handle bars and sparkles on the seat. However, it was too big and I couldn’t get the hang of riding without assistance.  But Gretchen’s bike was just my size.  The very moment I sat on that old dusty red little thing, I was riding without anyone’s help and I felt exhilarated. I rode ALL the way to the end of the block and back. I even went over the sidewalk bumps and didn’t fall! Oh my God! I could even catch the bionic woman if I wanted! The problem was that Gretchen wanted to ride her bike as well. So she took it from me, I held on and dragged a bit, but she pushed me out of her way and rode off into the sunset, well… down the block facing the sun. While my other friends tried to lure me to stay with a game of red-light, green-light, I sadly pushed my big pink beautiful bike back home.

Dad- “Well, it’s her bike isn’t it?”

Me – Now crying. “But I was riding it all this time and then all of a sudden, she took it!”

Dad – “Let me tell you something and I want you to remember this…

NEVER GET MAD AT SOMEONE ABOUT THEIR SHIT!

It’s THEIR shit! She can let you hold it for a while and she can take it away but you remember that it’s HERS! Learn to like your own shit!”

He smiled at me but I scowled back at him for not empathizing with the deep pain of betrayal pulsing my veins and breaking heart cracking in the middle of my chest.

Within a week, I was riding my big shiny pink bike and those colorful ribbons were flowing in the wind baby!  The bionic woman was eating my pink dust! Humph! I even rode with one hand!

I learned to internalize that Bon Mot from my dad. “Never get mad at someone about their shit.”  In friendships, when someone backs out of trips or does something that disappoints you,  remember “it’s their shit!”  In relationships, when someone backs out of the relationship or changes their minds about you, remember “it’s their shit!” When a boss won’t give you a raise or passes over you for a better position, “it’s their shit!”

I learned that I am not entitled to anyone else’s time, emotions, money, friendship, love, etc.  Expecting someone to comply with YOUR shit as a standard for love, acceptance, friendship, hard work, etc. is conditional.  Accept the good and the perceived bad. Even and especially when it hurts.

Someone backing out of a trip could be that they are out of money and ashamed to tell you. Maybe they’re going through a break up that has crippled them and it’s none of your business. It’s THEIR shit.  Why take it personally?

Someone changing or backing out of relationship could be that they have grown and you just couldn’t keep up. Or you are no longer what they want. Or you were never what they truly wanted. Do you want to stay with someone who feels like that about you?

Your boss is the boss of their shit, they get to decide who, what, when and where. That’s it.

Asking someone to be different to please you or asking them to do things that they do NOT want to do in order to please you is conditional. Judging what they do or who they do it with is your sad way of telling them that YOUR standards are superior to theirs and they should do what you want. It’s not true friendship and certainly not true love.  It’s control. Let people do what they want with their time, emotions, money, business, it’s their shit.

“Expectation is the root to all heartache.” William Shakespheare

Here’s the good thing. You got your own shit! If you give it a chance, you might realize that it’s more than good enough.  You might realize that the beauty of the time you had with them when they allowed you to play with them, is that you learned and got to practice so that you could master the bigger and better things that were waiting for you.

What you have now is an appreciation and clear understanding of what you really want and what you truly deserve. The moment you stop trying to manipulate or bully or pout or argue or whatever that thing is that you do when someone isn’t complying to YOUR standards and emotional needs, you just might see that your own shit is far better for you.  That was a necessary  but temporary place to show you where you truly need to be.

I’m SO grateful Gretchen and all the friends and past lovers pushed me back, took their shit and rode off. A few times I held on and got dragged. But getting up, letting  them go has ALWAYS made room for something greater that was with me the whole time.

So let people be who they are and give yourself the opportunity to grow.

“When someone shows you who they are…BELIEVE THEM.”  – Maya Angelou.

They will only dance to your beat but for so long before they return to their OWN rhythm. Their shit! It’s a good thing.  Let them go, let them dance and when they do whatever it is they do, hurt you, cheat on you with your brother, violate your privacy, push you away in their own little way, etc. Accept it as who they are and let it and them go.  It’s not and never was personal. It’s them being and dealing with their shit. But..let…them…go…or you’ll never grow. Stop asking, how could God let this happen or how could she do this to me…AGAIN! 

The truth is, the greater part of you (deep in your heart) always knew that you would move on from that experience, but this is what you needed to do to better handle and appreciate your next place. Asking why is holding on. Holding on is keeping you from that next place.  It’s scary and you’re afraid to fall because maybe you’ve fallen every time before and it REALLY hurts. It’s scary because you’ve been holding on for so long but you’re being dragged! Now you’re scared. Now you’re scarred. But let go, get up, learn the lesson and take hold of the greater experience that is truly yours.  Stop being dragged and be grateful for them taking their shit away. They were simply training wheels!

(Ironically…well inevitably, I outgrew that bike, pushed it down out of my way and got a ten speed 😉